


Valid

by starlightwalking



Series: the world as we know it [11]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Ace-Spectrum Character, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Disorder, Aromantic spectrum, Asexuality Spectrum, Aspec Community, Caedsexual Maedhros, Club Meetings, Communication, Friendship, GNOME????, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Self-Discovery, Trans Character, Trans Fingon, Trauma-Affected Sexuality, queer community
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Maedhros and Fingon attend a meeting of the University of Formenos’ A-Spectrum Alliance club, and Maedhros has a breakthrough.
Relationships: Azaghâl & Maedhros | Maitimo, Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: the world as we know it [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1651942
Comments: 17
Kudos: 33
Collections: Anna's A-spectrum Anthology





	Valid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sisters_of_the_moon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisters_of_the_moon/gifts).



> Shoutout to sisters_of_the_moon for your comment that inspired me to add this to the list of scenes I wanted to write in this verse! <3
> 
> This is like 90% inspired by the Ace and Aro club at my campus and the shenanigans we get up to, including the icebreaker question weirdness. I miss those meetings, Zoom calls just aren’t the same ;-;
> 
> Any conflations of ace and aro are, this time, actually intentional; writing from an allo person’s POV means minor slip-ups even from someone as chill and generally informed as Fingon.
> 
> "Valid" might be a major cliche for queer folks, especially aspec folks, but like. sometimes it's just what you need to hear!
> 
> ft. lots of random minor characters from canon, and a few of my OCs. See end notes for a brief rundown, if you aren't familiar with any of them.
> 
> Set probably a few weeks before the last chapter of “Show and Tell,” though I’m not really solid on that. But it’s around the same time.

Fingon thought it was a little silly that Maedhros waited until _now_ , less than a month from graduating, to attend any campus club meetings. But Maedhros was like that, sometimes, and Fingon was mostly just glad he was finally getting out there. Maybe this would continue at Himring, the grad school half an hour away he’d gotten into. Fingon would definitely encourage that; as much as he loved having his boyfriend around, Maedhros was a bit too much of a homebody, and he needed other friends.

Maedhros wasn’t so in touch with the campus community in general, including the campus queer community. When he’d first asked Fingon what the yellow-white-purple-black and the green-green-white-gray-black pride flags were, in order to make conversation with his classmate who had those pins on their jacket, he’d been excited to share what he knew. It turned out that Azaghâl was nonbinary and aromantic, and very willing to talk to Maedhros about not only their homework but also their personal life. Fingon had rather hoped Azaghâl might introduce Maedhros to more friends, where his own gentle nudging hadn’t been so successful.

So when Maedhros mentioned that Azaghâl had invited him to attend the club they ran, Fingon had been happy to tag along. He’d attended a few meetings of the Queer Club, mostly when they were hosting craft events or parties, but he’d never thought to give the A-Spectrum Alliance a try. He wasn’t asexual or aromantic or anything, he didn’t think, so it just hadn’t crossed his mind—but like with Queer Club, “ALLIES WELCOME!” was front and center on their website, and Fingon was always down to learn more.

There were about ten people at the meeting when Fingon and Maedhros showed up, just exactly on time. One was Azaghâl themself, a short person with a purple beard and a denim jacket covered in pins, whom Fingon had met a few times before. They waved cheerfully to Maedhros from behind a computer where they were setting up a PowerPoint presentation. A few other people chatted quietly; the rest mostly stared at their phones. A typical pre-event scene for college students.

A few minutes past the hour, Azaghâl shut the door to the room and cleared their throat.

“Alright, welcome, everyone!” they said. “Just a review of the club rules. We only have three, so they’re easy to follow. 1) Respect consent. 2) Be nice. And 3)...” They glared playfully at someone in the front row, who grinned sheepishly. “Mablung, you want to remind everyone of rule 3?”

“No throwing things,” Mablung said with some contrition.

“Right. Easy, like I said. Alright, let’s do some quick introductions! I know most of you but we’ve got a couple new people, and it’s always good to remind each other what we’re called, you meet so many people every day here that it’s easy to lose track. Name, pronouns, your position in the club if you have one, and, uhhh...” Azaghâl looked around the assembled people. “Anyone got an idea for an icebreaker?”

“Gnome?” suggested a narrow-faced person in the back.

“Gnome?” Maedhros whispered. “What...?”

“Sure, gnome,” Azaghâl agreed.

“What does that mean?” asked a dark-haired person in a wheelchair.

“Whatever you want!” replied the original suggester. “I’ll go first. I’m Voronwë, ze/hir or they/them, and... _gnome_ -thing to worry about!”

“Azaghâl, they/them, I’m club president, and, uhh...” They paused to consider. “ _Gnome_ -atter what, you are _valid_.”

“That’s my job!” exclaimed someone else. “Adanel, she/her, and I’m officer of validation! And what _I_ have to say is _gNOme_ , Az, you are _not_ valid for stealing my position!”

Azaghâl sighed dramatically. Fingon grinned—these people were weird, eccentric, _queer_ in all the right ways. This wasn’t the kind of crowd he usually hung out with, admittedly, but they were good people.

A few more people introduced themselves: Mablung (he/him, club nuisance, “ _gnome_ -oney, I’m broke”), Gildor Inglorion (he/they, garden gnome), Nórimiel (she/her, treasurer, and apparently the sort to go on a tangent about how in the old myths they used to call elves “gnomes”), Eilinel (she/her, “sorry, I don’t have a joke...”), Annael (they/them, “ab _-gnome_ -al”), Nimphiel (she/they, vice president, “g _no_ me shoes, g _no_ me shirt, g _no_ me service”)...

The wheelchair user was Galdor (they/them, social media manager). “And I’m a linguistics major, so you know I’ve gotta say Gnome Chomsky!” they joked.

Maedhros glanced Fingon’s way—whether to check he wasn’t upset that this person had the same name as his ex (he wasn’t; Galdor was a pretty common name) or to urge him to go first, he wasn’t sure. He decided to err on the side of caution and put himself out there.

“I’m Fingon!” he exclaimed. “He/him, and I am phe- _gnome_ -enal!”

Beside him, Maedhros coughed, then said, “Hi, I’m Maedhros. And, uh...gnome. That’s it, just gnome.”

“Pronouns?” Azaghâl prompted, smiling at their friend.

“Oh, yeah, right.” Maedhros hesitated, and Fingon couldn’t help the twinge of annoyance he felt. “Um...he/him, I guess.”

Fingon could tell he was uncomfortable with all the attention, so instead of berating him for stumbling over something as simple as pronouns (and really, with a trans boyfriend, it’s not like the concept was _new_ to him) he just reached over to squeeze his hand. That was the right thing to do, it seemed, because Maedhros gave him a soft smile and relaxed just a bit.

(Fingon couldn’t stop thinking about the pronoun thing, though. Maedhros, as much as he loved him, as amazing as he was about, like, everything to do with Fingon’s gender—well, he was still a cis guy. He wasn’t perfect—though in Fingon’s opinion he was pretty damn close—and he probably was still a little weird about applying those concepts to himself. It wasn’t a big deal, Fingon knew he was getting anxious over nothing, this wasn’t something he even thought they needed to talk about, necessarily—but, well, when you have an anxiety disorder you can’t really help being anxious. Even when you took your meds religiously and went to therapy. There was always _something_ lingering in the back of your mind.)

Fingon was so caught up in his thoughts that he zoned out as Azaghâl introduced the topic for today’s discussion. He blinked, shook his head to clear it, and stared intently at the PowerPoint to see what he’d missed.

“Microlabels?” he whispered, and Maedhros nodded.

“Yeah, asexual-spcific ones.” He paused. “And...aromantic ones, too. Lots of fun new words.”

Fingon was actually surprised at how much ace terminology he already knew. He was a gay trans dude, not ace or aro, and had never really felt the need to try out any label more specific than “bi”—which he hadn’t ended up keeping—and honestly he really liked the vagueness of the word “queer.”

But he’d lurked online in lots of queer forums, and he’d had other queer friends who were ace or aro or both, so while this seemed to be mostly new to Maedhros, Fingon wasn’t really caught off guard. He knew “demisexual” and “queerplatonic,” had heard of “alterous attraction” and even “lithromantic.” There were a few new words, yeah, like “nebularomantic” and “aplatonic,” but the explanations were pretty straightforward, and that Ling 201 class he’d taken freshman year at his old school helped him suss out the root words for the most part.

Every now and then someone would jump in with a joke or a personal anecdote or a disclaimer about the origin of a word or an alternative (“quasiplatonic” instead of “queerplatonic”; “akoiromantic” instead of “lithromantic”). Apparently Voronwë’s QPP—“zucchini,” ze called them—was “quoiromantic” a funny to pronounce word that got hir into a five-minute argument with Linguistics Major Galdor over the word’s origins.

“Alright, _moving on_ ,” Azaghâl interrupted at last in a tone that brokered no argument (not even for Mablung, who needled everyone). “Next slide—caedsexual. Trigger warning for mentions of trauma and assault, but we won’t go into detail.”

Beside him, Fingon felt Maedhros go rigid. He shot his boyfriend a concerned look, but Mae’s eyes were fixed to the screen. He didn’t even notice Fingon looking his way.

“So this is basically when someone’s sexuality is affected by their trauma in a way that makes them ace when they feel they weren’t before,” Azaghâl explained. “It comes from—and don’t say anything unless you know _for sure_ that I’m wrong, Galdor—the root ‘ _caed_ ,’ which means ‘to cut away.’ Basically, in an aspec sense—trauma messed you up, and that took away the sexual attraction you used to experience.”

“Can it—come back?” Maedhros rasped, startling everyone, but no one more than Fingon.

Azaghâl blinked. “Yeah, sure. Sexuality can be fluid. Someone’s orientation might change for no reason at all. But caedsexuality could be temporary for someone, and go away as they heal, or it could be more long-term. Either way, they’re valid and welcome in our community for as long as they want or need to be here.”

“But...” Maedhros swallowed, shrinking back from the looks everyone was giving him. Fingon glared around the room, daring anyone to say something stupid. No one did.

“But—that’s not just...the normal response to...sexual trauma?” he asked.

“There’s no such thing as normal,” Adanel quipped. “Or—every response is normal. If you—general you—have this experience, that’s valid. Or if you go the other way and become hypersexual, that’s also valid. Or if nothing like that changes at all, that’s valid too. You’re _all_ valid! And _none_ of you are broken in any way.”

She smiled big, and Fingon smiled back, his head spinning. He wasn’t...100% sure what was going on in Mae’s head, but he could guess, and he knew Adanel’s words were _exactly_ what he needed to hear right then.

“And...” Maedhros reached blindly for Fingon’s hand. Fingon gave it to him, and felt his boyfriend grip his fingers so tight he worried he’d lose circulation. “And people...actually, like, feel this way? Enough that there’s a word for it?”

“Yep,” Azaghâl said, glancing between Maedhros and Fingon. “Um...if you’d like, after the meeting is over, we could talk more?”

“Um.” Maedhros ducked his head. “Maybe.”

“Okay,” Azaghâl said, flashing him another hesitant smile. “Moving on...”

Maedhros let go of Fingon’s hand and pulled out his phone. He was glued to the screen for the rest of the meeting, and Fingon found himself unable to focus. He didn’t try and peer over Mae’s shoulder, he’d give his boyfriend some privacy, but he was too concerned about Maedhros to pay attention to the rest of the presentation.

As soon as the hour was up, Maedhros stood. He grabbed Fingon’s hand again and pulled him towards the door.

“Hey, Mae!” Azaghâl said, jogging over. “Do you wanna—?”

“I’ll text you,” Maedhros said quickly. “Um. Finno and I...need some space right now? But I’ll definitely text you, Az.”

“Okay,” Azaghâl said, and Fingon flashed them a smile before letting Mae drag him away.

Maedhros was silent the whole walk home. Fingon didn’t press him, but he stayed close. He wanted Mae to know he was there for him when he was ready to talk.

There was a little park a block away from their apartment. Maedhros hesitated, then walked over to the swings. Fingon followed.

Maedhros was way too big for the small swing—hell, even Fingon, notoriously short and small, was too big—but he sat down anyway, squeezing his bony ass into the seat. He kicked at the barkdust for a few minutes, and as Fingon squirmed in the swing next to him he wondered if he should say anything.

At last, Maedhros took a deep breath. “Fingon?”

“Mhm?”

“I think...” He swallowed. “I didn’t...I know this isn’t like, the kind of thing to rush about, but I...I think I’m...”

“...on the ace spectrum?” Fingon prompted.

Maedhros nodded his head jerkily. Fingon breathed deep, mulling it over. He couldn’t say he was surprised, really. If he’d heard the word “caedsexual” before tonight, he might’ve brought it up, even.

“Okay,” he said softly. “You wanna talk about it?”

Maedhros shrugged. “I guess... That term. Caedsexual. I never...I just...I guess I thought I was broken? Like...Mairon fucked me up. I just...even now, like...when you like someone, or see a hot guy, you...feel something, right?”

“Yeah,” Fingon said. “I mean, I’m with you, but I can...appreciate.”

“Yeah.” Maedhros blew a strand of red hair out of his face. “I...used to be the same way, right? And then when I realized...and I broke up with him...at first I thought I’d just never get over it. And then that I’d never want sex again. And then I met you, and like, I knew I _should_ like you? And—and I did, I _do_ ,” he assured, “but at first it was...I knew you should’ve been my type, but I just. Didn’t feel attracted to you.” He frowned. “Sexually. I knew I had a crush on you.”

“Aw, babe,” Fingon said softly.

“And then...well, you know. I got over it. I got into you, in every way.” Maedhros wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “And...I thought maybe I’d fixed it. Whatever had broken inside me. But it’s...just you. No one else. Hell, I used to be really into that actor, Tulkas Astaldo?”

“Oh my god, me too,” Fingon laughed. “Every gay guy’s first crush right?” It was embarrassing, but as a kid he’d almost named himself after Tulkas. Now he was glad he’d gone with Dr. Fingon Ithilbor the dinosaur scientist.

Maedhros didn’t laugh. “But now...nothing. Even still. I’m just...I don’t know. I guess, knowing other people are...like me, that made me realize I...might not be as fucked up as I thought? I’m—kind of reeling?”

“The only fucked up thing is Mairon,” Fingon said fiercely. “How you reacted, how your body reacted—that’s valid. Remember what Adanel said?”

Maedhros smiled wobbly. “And she’s the officer of validation. Gotta believe her.”

“Exactly.” Fingon reached for his hand, twining his fingers with his boyfriend’s. Mae, you’re not broken. You never were. I can’t say I’m an expert on ace stuff, but luckily Azaghâl _is_. I know they’d be happy to talk to you. They seem like a good friend.”

“They are,” Maedhros murmured. “I feel bad for blowing them off...”

“You needed time to process,” Fingon said. “They’ll get that. Just text them like you said you would.”

“Finno...you...” Maedhros looked at him. “You’re not...weirded out?”

“No, of course not.” Fingon squeezed his hand. “You’re still you. I love you. No matter what. I’m...flattered, I guess, that I’m the one person my ace boyfriend is into. And if that changes, ever, that’s completely fine. We’ve had this conversation already—this just adds some new depth to it.”

“I love you,” Maedhros blurted out. “And—I guess—if I _am_ caedsexual, or I _was_ but not anymore—you’re not going anywhere. I mean, how I feel about you, I don’t think that’s changing. Except that I love you even more.”

“I’m here for you,” Fingon promised. “Sex or no sex. Always. Understand?”

“Yeah,” Maedhros whispered. “Finno, I...” He caught himself. “I’m lucky to have you,” he said slowly. “I was gonna say I don’t deserve you, but...I know you don’t like it when I say that.”

“And just think of what Adanel would say,” Fingon chided.

Maedhros laughed softly. “Of course. I couldn’t bear to let Adanel down.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you aren’t familiar with a concept I didn’t really go into, check out the [LGBTA Wiki](https://lgbta.wikia.org/wiki/) for definitions, or feel free to ask me in a comment or tumblr ask or discord or whatever :)
> 
> For canon characters, if you’re not familiar and don’t feel like looking them up on Tolkien Gateway: There are several Galdors, but I think this one is probably Galdor of the Tree from Gondolin; in my headcanon Gildor is not related to Finrod but the child of someone else named Inglor; Adanel was Andreth’s wise-woman aunt; Eilinel was the wife of Gorlim (one of Barahir’s outlaws); Annael was Tuor’s foster-father; I think most people are familiar with Mablung and Voronwë and Azaghâl.  
> As for OCs: [Nórimiel](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/631390573767671808/annataryx-image-description-colored-pencil) is Aredhel’s wife/qpp post-rebirth in my headcanons; [Nimphiel](https://arofili.tumblr.com/tagged/oc%20nimphiel) is, like Annael, of the Mithrim Sindar.  
> Voronwë’s qpp is, of course, [Elemmakil](https://arofili.tumblr.com/post/623141756716859393/annataryx-image-description-a-colored-pencil).
> 
> Fun fact: The working title for this fic was "Caedhros" :P Gotta love puns!
> 
> BTW - I've been working a lot on this series, so expect some more updates soon! Next up is a smutty interlude, and then...dun dun dun...the Reveal!!
> 
> Thanks for reading, and please comment if you enjoyed!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


End file.
